So I had this idea that I was going to write a huge, long thing calling out people by name who have been hurting my friends lately… as well as hurting me.
I realised that would just give those people the satisfaction of knowing they are getting under people’s skin.
So, instead, I am going to call out the ACTIONS, not the people. Because more than one person perpetuates these actions. So really the actions need to be stopped.
Here we go:
-STOP BEING INSINCERE. Stop wielding power you don’t have to make people feel insecure about themselves. It isn’t cool, or interesting, or mysterious to leave people hanging due to your “creative blocks.” It is not impressive to pretend that you are agonising over decisions that require no agony. It is not conducive to interpersonal relationships to expect people to “understand” because things are just “so difficult” because what you really mean is that you are not putting in the effort on YOUR part.
Stop making everyone feel that your decisions are the Be All and End All and that people should base their worth, their possession of talent, their ability to contribute to their chosen craft, on your approval.
“I wanted you so bad but I just couldn’t do it.” “We wish we could accept everyone but there’s just not enough room for all the talent.” Both of these are utter bullshit statements. If you are in charge of something, you are essentially calling the shots. So any “can’t” or “wish” you might come against only “can’t” be fulfilled because of YOUR constraints. Either that, or you aren’t in charge.
It just sounds insincere, so SHUT UP, or speak the truth. It causes less doubt in a person’s heart when someone says “I’m sorry, but you just weren’t the person I required for this.” than when someone says “I SOOO wanted to use you, you are so talented, but it just didn’t work out.” It causes less hurt in a person’s soul when you say “We only have two hours’ worth of space and frankly, people were better than you.” than when you say “We had SUCH a hard time choosing and wish we could’ve let everyone participate, but there’s just not enough room.”
STOP BEING INSINCERE. People know when you are lying. You don’t “wish” you could use me and just “can’t”… I don’t fit what you want and you aren’t willing to make a place for those who don’t fit.
That’s your prerogative. Stop being insincere. Insincerity and smoke-blowing HURT. They hurt more than reality. Everyone knows there is the potential for someone to be better suited to a situation, any situation. That’s pretty straight forward. Chances are pretty good that you are NOT perfect for every situation you find yourself in. But it is confusing, and hurtful, and damaging when someone tells you that you are perfect for the situation, and then refuses to use you. Hurtful, damaging, causes doubt, causes anger, causes self-confusion.
STOP BEING INSINCERE.
-QUIT BREAKING YOUR OWN DEADLINES/PROMISES/RULES. I know that everyone can’t be 100% faithful to everything that comes out of their mouths, but stop doing this on a regular basis. Stop giving credence to the cultural uprising that says it is OK to be 20mins late to dinner, 3 days late on a job notification, NEVER follow through on a promise. It is seriously becoming a cultural expectation and it is disgusting. Anyone who knows me knows I have some serious issues with timeliness, and they have been cropping up in my life recently as regards other people. It is HURTFUL when someone says “I’ll definitely let you know on Friday” and by Monday you have not heard a word from them. It is confusing when someone says they are SO excited to do something with you, and then YOU constantly have to initiate contact with them, and prod them along. I know we ALL (myself included) have times when life conspires to keep us too busy and too overwhelmed to make good judgments regarding our timeliness, but some people not ONLY make it a habit… they are aware of the habit and expect people to accommodate them because of it. “Just tell me it starts an hour earlier than it does if you want me to be on time.” “If you need the paper by Friday, better tell me it is due on Wednesday, then I MIGHT be able to get it to you on Friday.”
This is stupid, it is hurtful, it is confusing and it is dangerous to our relationships with each other.
And, frankly, it is unappealing, when it becomes a joke. “We’re supposed to meet at 6:30, but you know (insert person or group), that really means 7:45.” EVEN *I* have shown up intentionally late to events to avoid waiting forever on certain people, and still had to wait FAR too long.
It is getting to where there are certain people I don’t do things with. Ever.
QUIT BREAKING YOUR OWN DEADLINES/PROMISES/RULES.
-Lastly, for now, STOP MAKING STUPID PEOPLE FAMOUS/IMPORTANT. This goes for my friends who are getting hurt as well as the people doing the hurting. Dear, loving friends, you are giving these people who are dinging your self-esteem and undermining your self-worth TOO MUCH CREDIT. They don’t deserve it. Most of these people aren’t even your superiors/elders, nor are they actually “more talented” or “more intelligent” than you. Most of these people are your PEERS and yet you are letting them somehow become so very important to the way you see yourself. YOU should define your own self-image, you should define the image you project to the world… not someone else. Someone else should not be allowed to define you to the rest of the world. Take control of yourself back.
People who are in control: You are really only in control of how we see ourselves because we have wrongly allowed you this power. We have wrongly assigned some great ability to you that causes us to think you know, somehow better than we do, what we are good at, what we are capable of, and what we should be allowed to do. I’m done with this. I’m done with taking people who have done nothing to earn my respect, prove their superiority, or enlighten my self-image and throwing them up on a pedestal of being “greater” or “more powerful” than me.
STOP MAKING STUPID PEOPLE FAMOUS/IMPORTANT. It is as easy as that. Stop believing that they are better than you just because THEY say they are better than you. Make them prove it. Make them prove that they have something you should revere, something you could learn from, before they demand your respect and demand to be assigned power. In fact, don’t let them demand anything. Let them earn it just as they expect YOU to earn their respect, to earn their notice.
STOP MAKING STUPID PEOPLE FAMOUS/IMPORTANT. The way to end this is simple. Assume that everyone has something to offer, not just the people who insist that they do. Let the people who hide out in the corners show themselves off just as much as the people who command the spotlight. Listen to the quiet ones, tell the squeaky wheel to oil itself. Stop validating bullies. Period.
This is all I can say from my experiences in this first 8 Days of 2014. It has been a rough 8 Days. Full of rejection, more rejection, regret, seeing someone I thought was my friend LITERALLY take one of my ideas out from under me and use it as her own, and insecurity.
But through it all, I’ve also seen my friends be hurt similarly, and while *I* can take the hurt all day, nobody messes with my friends. My friends are beautiful, talented, loving and wonderful and when they hurt, I hurt. And I’m tired of the same handful of people causing my friends to hurt.
So let’s stop these actions, stop giving power to the people who continue these actions, and if you find yourself doing these things… for goodness’ sake, STOP.